Sunday, September 28, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Sunday, September 07, 2014
better man speech dictation records
ike and Natalie…
thanks for not eloping
and thanks for inviting me to your wedding.
I think you’re both really impressive people
and as such, you get to be impressed by each other
for the rest of your lives.
so you’re also both quite priveladged.
privelaged in the sense similar to lucky.
impressed in the sense similar to proud.
so I’m gonna proceed under the assumption that
Izaak is slightly more priveladged,
which of course makes Natalie slightly more impressive.
not that it’s a competition but these traits appear to be
so Natalie, not that you guys talk like this but
say the next time Izaak does something nice and
you say thank you and he says it was my privilege.
you know what he really means is..
that you possess such good humor, good spirit, good looks…
basically you got the goods.
if Natalie blew a duck whistle in the middle of a field,
Izaak would come quacking. you could say he’s the
quack in her armor.
and IF Natalie impresses upon Izaak her boatloads of charm
and beauty and motivates Izaak to be thoughtful and caring,
then Natalie is also privileged, thoughtful, and caring.
it feeds back to itself in an endless loop with no clear
beginning, middle, or end…
for all we know it might have been Izaak the one blowing the
whistle and Natalie the one to come flapping. flapping, not
quacking, because under the circumstances of this metaphor
she is a swan, not a duck.
due in part to the fact that she has been known to give Izaak goosebumps.
and ikes a mathematician, we can call him a smart duck.
let’s do some math.
if you graph this loop they got going along an axis of time,
it becomes a three dimensional object, the double helix.
the double helix is the closest thing math can get to dancing.
it’s also the key to the structure of our dna.
so yeah, if you graph true love you get the human genome,
so that’s cool, I have the math for that right here,
but all the proof I need is those two right there.
and this loop is all inclusive, it includes everyone here.
we are all privileged to be impressed.
and lucky to be proud.
deleted scenes (for obvious reasons)
it’s a pretty sweaty wedding, a southern wedding.
we even got colonel sanders over here (points at dad)
even the elusive morgan carl made it. they say he only
comes out in late summer when the blackberries ripen.
and John Bridge is here, he’s a math guy, but we’ll get
If only there was a way to combine ike and natlie’s genes into
another new human, we could really get to the bottom of this.
well it turns out there is a way:
human genetic cloning.
so if I was snooping in your room or ever trying to milk you, that’s why.
I have the clone right here, in this backpack (holds up backpack).
I removed all traces of sex from the subject, to control variables.
it is androgynous, or perhaps a better word at a chaste wedding
would be SEXLESS.
sadly, the clone baby didn’t survive the experiment,
but it did have some last words.
in it’s dying breath the clone baby uttered: ‘Natalie is most impressive’
and so, we’re all free to be impressed
so lets make like a glob of waffle batter in
a waffle iron in a tornado of cottoncandy,
and get our groove on.